Turning A Hand
by MissJJD
Summary: Set during & after Season 17 finale Heartfelt Passages. With everything that's been going on in his life & around him ADA Rafael Barba has conflicted emotions & feelings for a colleague. This is a Barisi fic you have been warned, if you don't like it please don't read. Mature readers only please. Apologies for any errors grammatical or otherwise it was written on the spur of moment


**Well what can I say...A Barson shipper through and through, but after that scene and kiss at the end of Heartfelt Passages my heart broke just a little bit. But somewhere during the same episode a little guilty pleasure reared its head. So I am sorry to all of my Barson readers but I kind of had to get this off of my chest. Its not going to be to everyone taste so for that I sincerely apologise. For anyone else who fancies a read I hope you enjoy it. I haven't written a fanfic in this vein for a very long time so further be kind to me (please). It is for mature readers but isn't to smutty, unless something drastic happens there won't be a part 2.**

Despite the gravity and sombreness of the day, this was the most relaxed ADA Rafael Barba had been in a very long time, his jacket discarded, his tie loosened he sat easily and comfortably at the bar.

Admittedly he was in a bar full of cops, who little over a week or so ago, hated his guts and had threatened him with all manner of things. That aside he felt at ease, he felt safe, after so long, it was a nice feeling, the fact he was at the wake of Sergeant Michael Dodds seemed shamelessly irrelevant. The former sentiment he voiced to Sonny Carisi when the young detective came to tell him they hadn't arrested Felipe Heredio, the man who had threatened Barba personally on two occasions in the last few days, but they had posted units on his block.

"I am not worried, not in here." His tone was gentle and appreciative as he spoke, a thankful smile curling his mouth, his expressive green eyes glittering at the handsome young man, who was clad in dress uniform. They clinked their glasses.

"Cheers"

The elegant sharp tongued ADA hadn't had such close contact with the youngest member of the SVU team since he had shadowed him on the Louis Hodda case, whilst studying for the bar exam. Barba had had his misgivings about that and about Sonny Carisi in general, but somehow the enthusiastic and tenacious detective had gotten under Barba's skin, in more ways than one. He had not only appreciated his sharp mind and eagerness but he had come to enjoy his company; having him around, initially to poke a little bit of harmless fun at, all of which Carisi had taken on the chin, but eventually to spar with him and even bounce the odd idea off of.

It had also been rather nice having him sit alongside him in the courtroom, it could be a very lonely place for a prosecution lawyer and seeing his attentive and often concerned face at the table, gave the veteran ADA a strange thrill. Barba of course as always kept his feelings well hidden, something which came second nature to the seasoned lawyer. He never discussed his personal life at work, not even with Olivia Benson, who had become one of his closest friends. Their relationship had however been a little strained of late, since she had revealed her involvement with IAB Captain Ed Tucker, they were back on track now, but something had changed, it had of course been inevitable. Barba couldn't help but wonder if this was another reason for his feelings towards Carisi.

His bisexuality was not secret, nor was it common knowledge. He had harboured strong feelings for Olivia and had been deeply hurt when he had found out she was sleeping with Tucker, even now he didn't really know if those feelings were born of hurt that she hadn't told him, her friend, sooner or hurt, that it hadn't been him. Finding himself suddenly attracted to a man, who was clearly interested in another colleague, was simply just a knee jerk, rebound, reaction.

"Another counsellor?"

Carisi's voice cut through Barba's contemplations, the young detective indicating Barba's empty glass. He smiled and nodded, watching intently as Carisi raised his hand to get the barman's attention,

It was the briefest and lightest of touches, they both reached for the replenished tumblers at the same time. Carisi's fingers brushing innocuously against Barba's hand, but the ADA felt as if he had been burnt. Searing heat rushed to his stomach, causing it to somersault before dropping lower, leaving a dull throbbing ache in his groin.

Barba silently chided himself; he was behaving like an adolescent teenager with a stupid crush, not a respected professional in his 40's. The alcohol was or wasn't helping depending on your perspective, and relaxed and safe as Barba might feel, he knew he should leave soon or quite possibly end up saying or doing something equally as adolescent, that he could live to regret. This really wasn't the time or the place, for such feelings or such revelations, as if there ever would be a time or a place, he mused silently.

Rafael Barba really had to get over the predilection he was developing for co-workers, especially when they clearly had no interest in him. Carisi obviously hadn't even noticed the touch, let alone given it a thought, second or otherwise.

It was an odd sentiment to have at a wake, the interaction with Carisi aside, but Barba was enjoying himself. Not of course the reason for being there, of for the heartbreakingly tragic circumstances that surrounded it. He had really liked Mike Dodds, he was a great cop, he was a decent and honest man, who had achieved things on his own merits, despite his father being Deputy Chief.

Perhaps it was the whisky, but it was nice to go through a day not continuously looking over his shoulder, worrying if someone was going to make good on the threats he had been receiving. Today wasn't about him and he hadn't given himself a thought, it was a bizarre way to have a weight lifted off of your shoulders, he had just spent the day thinking about Mike Dodds' dreadfully early death, and the enormity of its effect on his family. Selfish and somewhat callous it might appear, but it prevented him from worrying about what might be in store for him.

Against perhaps his better judgement Barba remained at the wake along with his colleagues from SVU, leaving only when they did.

"Barba take care of yourself, and make sure you don't go anywhere without your security detail."

He found himself in the warm embrace of Olivia Benson as they stood outside the bar, bidding each other goodnight and hailing cabs.

"Yes Liv, of course, thank you"

She hugged him once more, her beautiful brown eyes still red rimmed from the tears she had shed, Tucker put a guiding arm around her, and lead her towards a waiting cab.

A little part of the ADA still resented her leaving with the IAB Captain, but an ever bigger part of him now resented Rollins jumping in a cab with Carisi, but not before they too had told him to take care. He hardly needed reminding of his current predicament, with two burly, well-armed policemen following him practically everywhere he went.

Thankfully the whiskey didn't allow him to dwell on the situation for too long and still relishing the time he had spent with Sonny Carisi, the ADA fell into a remarkably deep and undisturbed sleep. That was until his cell phone began to loudly vibrate at a little after 7am the following morning. Barba covered his eyes, reaching for the offending object. Normally he was awake and up before 6am, even on a Saturday as today was, 6.30am was about his limit for staying in bed. After the stressful week he'd had and the alcohol he had consumed, Barba hadn't set his alarm, allowing himself the indulgence of a lie in, or so he had hoped.

Carisi's number and face flashed up on the screen and a now rather familiar ball of heat welled in Barba's belly.

"Carisi, is everything ok?" His tone was clearly a little sleepy, as well as concerned.

"Yeah counsellor, sorry to disturb you so early and on a Saturday, I kinda figured you for an early riser."

The bleary eyed ADA shifted in his bed, at the sound of the detective's voice, parts of Barba were certainly rising, that was for sure. He snapped his mind, if not his body back to the reason why Carisi was in fact calling him so early on a Saturday morning.

"What can I do for you?" Even his question sounded loaded, feeling even more so at the silent pause on the other end of the phone.

"Sorry" Carisi's voice sounded a little distracted. "I thought you would want to know we picked up Heredio this morning, you can….."

"I'll be there within the hour."

Barba cut Carisi off quickly and ended the call.

It was little over 45 minutes later when he walked into the precinct. He had showered, shaved, dressed casually, well casually for him at least and made it downtown at the early hour, in almost record time.

Carisi and Rollins were waiting for him, it felt strange to be on the other side of the fence for once. Felipe Heredio was already in a line up and without any preamble, save a comment about him looking smaller, Barba picked him out. Rollins escorted Heredio's lawyer to his client leaving Barba and Carisi alone.

"For what it's worth, while he was in holding he told me he got paid $250 each time he talked to you."

"250 that's it, I should be offended." Barba added with his usual sarcastic flippancy.

"Who paid him?" He asked staring through the glass at the smirking face of Felipe Heredio.

"That he wouldn't say" admitted Carisi. "Based on what he did say, threat assessment is going to keep the security detail on you 24/7."

"Terrific." Barba said walking away burying his hands deep in his pockets. He could feel Carisi close at his heel, the young detective clearly concerned. "Do you still want to be an ADA?" He asked, his voiced laced with irony.

"I've been thinking about it." The detective admitted, his head bent as he strode passed Barba into the squad room.

"I heard there's an opening in Brooklyn." Barba volunteered, a little reluctantly.

"The thing is Counsellor, I took an oath to protect and serve, so I don't want to leave." Carisi turned to face him, his blue eyes fixed on Barba as he spoke.

"Not now anyway." His voice was sad and sincere. "After what happened to Dodds, it just doesn't feel right."

Barba's heart all but ached for the young man standing in front of him, so proud in his convictions.

"I get it" Was all he could manage, unable to look at him directly, emotion constricting his throat.

"In the end we are all just passing through." He finally brought his gaze up to Carisi's but changed the subject quickly. Asking how Liv was doing, it hurt him to hear she was taking it hard, but he knew she would. He knew she would be blaming herself for what had happened, convincing herself that it should have been her, not Dodds that took the bullet. But he also knew Tucker would be there for her, he saw the pain in Carisi's face, and the tears that brightened his eyes, Rollins would be there for him. Instinctively he reached out and touched the younger man, a firm squeeze of his arm before he left the squad room, fighting his own pain.

Rafael Barba seldom did nothing, it wasn't in his nature, but with a security detail following him around and after this week, he really didn't feel like doing anything; between a little reading, listening to some music, an unplanned nap and finishing some paperwork he just let the day dwindle away. He couldn't even be bothered to cook for himself, there were plenty of options in the fridge, but he had no incentive and he really wasn't sure if he was that hungry. He was just debating which take out to order from and if he really wanted to, when there was a knock on his apartment door. It had to be someone he knew or at least that his security detail knew or they wouldn't have got within ten feet of the place. Even so he still cast a cursory glance through the spy hole.

"Detective what brings you here, has something happened?" Barba was again alarmed, unable to hide the concern in his voice.

"Sorry Counsellor, that's twice in one day now I've worried you needlessly." Sonny Carisi looked a little sheepish as he stood in Rafael Barba's doorway.

"Truthfully, I just thought I'd check on you, with everything going on with Dodds, all the crap happening to you has kinda got pushed to one side."

Barba looked at the tall young man in his hallway, a little taken aback by his words and by his obvious concern. He and Rollins couldn't have done more for him, or Liv come to that, once they had found out that he was receiving threats. It had been a tough few days for them all, but he had hardly been pushed to one side, not in any respect. None the less he appreciated Carisi's thought, it was also nice to see him, well to be honest, it was nice to see anyone, but the tall handsome SVU detective was a more than welcome visitor.

"That's very kind of you, it's been a rough few days, but honestly I am fine."

There was an awkward silence, and the detective shifted a little uncomfortably. Barba realised his words had all but asked Carisi to leave.

"I was just trying to decide what take out to order, I don't suppose you fancy joining me?"

It was Barba's turn to shift uncomfortably, waiting for the, I'd love to but…. A rather shy smile lit Carisi's face as he quietly accepted the ADA's invitation, stepping a little nervously into his apartment.

"I didn't have you down as the take out sort." Carisi said slipping of his jacket and placing it over one of the high chairs at the breakfast bar.

Barba shrugged his shoulders: "And under normal circumstances you would be right, my fridge is full of things I could cook, but well truthfully, I just couldn't be bothered. Hence the delightful choice between pizza or Chinese. Beer?"

The young detective nodded, Barba opened the door taking out a chilled beer for his visitor.

"Wow Counsellor I think your fridge is better stocked than my mother's. How about I cook?"

Barba looked at Carisi in amusement: "Is there no end to your talents?"

Carisi smiled, the action lighting up his face, and making those big blue eyes of his twinkle brightly.

"It's in the genes." His smiled broadened. "It seems silly to order food in, when you have a fridge bursting at the seams. I can turn my hand to most things." He took the beer from Barba's outstretched hand.

Barba felt a flush creep through him, the thought of Carisi turning his hands to something stirring all sorts of ideas in his clearly overactive imagination. He moved away from the fridge, leaving the door open; with a sweeping gesture of his hand, he told Carisi to be his guest. Pouring himself a large scotch, he sat himself at the breakfast bar, he didn't really care what had brought the SVU detective to his apartment he was just glad he was here. Rather voyeuristically the ADA watched Sonny Carisi expertly move around his kitchen.

"Won't Rollins be a little upset that you are here cooking for me?"

Carisi paused, mid chop of a poor unsuspecting tomato, his face clearly a little confused by Barba's remark.

"Not at all Counsellor, she has a date tonight. I gotta feeling it might be Jesse's dad."

Barba couldn't hide his surprise, either in his face or in his words. "Oh right, I thought, that is, I assumed that you two were together."

Carisi's laughter filled his apartment as he continued his assault on the contents of Barba's salad drawer. "Jeez Counsellor you gotta be kidding, we might carry on like an old married couple, but we're just friends, I like helping out with Jesse, she and my niece are the closest I am likely to get to kids of my own."

He returned from the fridge once more, this time with two steaks, holding them up to a somewhat confused Barba who nodded his approval.

"I see." Was all the ADA could manage.

Carisi's blue eyes scanned the kitchen clearly totally oblivious to Barba's confusion. There were pasta jars on the counter top and he had spotted a vegetable rack.

"Would you prefer pasta of creamed potatoes with this?"

Barba tried to gather his thoughts, processing what Carisi had told him and trying to fathom why he would not have kids of his own, perhaps there was a medical reason, he didn't feel inclined to pry, but was eaten up with insatiable curiosity.

"Whatever the chef thinks, I am fine with either."

The young man working so diligently, smiled, it was an almost childlike grin, which split his finely chiselled face in two.

"Do you want to stick with the beer or would you like wine with dinner, I can open something." He noticed Carisi's line of vision fall on the selection of wine in the wire rack.

"By the look of these steaks Counsellor, I think they deserve a decent bottle of red, how do you like it?"

Barba's brain completely overlooked the remark about the wine, and took a nosedive straight into the gutter, how did he like it, well that would depend on the company. He felt his trousers tighten at the thought, how would he like it with the young detective? He felt his face flush, quickly dragging his mind back to dinner.

"Err, medium rare, thanks." His brain vaguely recalled wine and he rose carefully from the chair, the darkness of his clothing concealing his burgeoning erection, but the tightness of his jeans not helping.

Carisi stretched across the counter to reach for the pasta jar and Barba's eye line drifted to his tight arse. Grabbing a bottle of wine from the selection Barba opened a drawer containing the cork screw, Carisi backed back with the pasta straight into the ADA.

Whilst his clothing concealed his arousal, coming arse to groin with the younger man there was no disguising it. Barba was mortified, almost dropping the wine as burning heat suffused his face. He expected Carisi to jump away from him, but realised he hadn't in fact moved. He was probably too shocked, to horrified to do so. He had come to check on him in all good faith, make sure he was ok, the last thing he wanted, expected was a sad older man, getting aroused over him.

Carisi turned in Barba's personal space, he didn't he recoil in any way. He replaced the pasta jar on the counter top, his intense blue eyes, fixed firmly on Barba's distraught green. It wasn't horror that Barba saw reflected in those intense blue eyes, it was something very surprising, it was unrestrained lust. Confusion raced around his brain trying to process what he was seeing; it was chased by disbelief. How could Barba have missed this, he'd worked with the detective many times, they had worked side by side in a courtroom for heaven's sake. Never had he given Barba the slightest indication that he was anything but straight, or that he was remotely interested in him.

The moments seemed to tick by and the two remained motionless, simply looking at each other. It was Barba who moved first, the young detective looking even younger and suddenly a little nervous. Barba raised his hand to Carisi's chest, allowing his long fingers to run gently over the soft jersey of his t-shirt. He shook his head, an errant strand of his usually well-coiffed hair falling forward.

"I had no idea." He said quietly, his hand drifting slowly lower.

Carisi's face flushed and he shifted a little uncomfortably, moving closer to Barba as he did so. His blue eyes dropping to Barba's mouth.

"Yeah well, only Rollins and my sisters know. I….it's not… I didn't…"

Barba raised his hand to Carisi's lips silencing him. "You don't have to explain anything to me. Is this what you want?"

The young detective nodded, smiling nervously at the older man. All his usual brashness and bravado gone. "Truthfully, this time." His face flushed darker his lips brushing against Barba's fingers as he spoke. "It was the real reason why I came here, but when I got here, when you invited me in, I had no idea what to do or say."

There was the smallest of spaces between their bodies. Barba could feel the heat radiating from the younger man, could feel his chest brushing against his own as it rose and fell. "You don't have to say anything." He sensed a certain amount of inexperience and did not want to push him or scare him in any way. "What we do is by mutual agreement."

Carisi grasped Barba's wrist, holding his fingers against his lips he kissed them softly before, dropping his head and doing the same to Barba's lips. The kiss was tentative but firm, his lips surprisingly soft as they moved across Barba's. The older man responded without hesitation, his body moving yet closer until any space between them was eradicated completely. Barba groaned against Carisi's mouth as their sheathed arousals touched, Barba's throbbed mercilessly as the detective thrust gently forward, his hands moving to Carisi's back, pulling him hard again him. He found the younger man's hands in his hair, as the kiss deepened. Softly moving lips, turned into probing, entwined tongues, teeth clashed and their bodies began to move more fervently against each other. Barba edged forward until he could go no further, the hard counter at his back preventing any further movement, his hands now either side, pining him against the polished surface. This time it was Barba who thrust forward, finding himself neatly nestled between the other man's legs. They continued to kiss and touch, until they were both panting and breathless.

The ADA took a step backwards, savouring the flushed face and swollen lips of his younger companion. The nervousness had long since evaporated but there was still the vaguest hint of apprehension lingering in his blue eyes. He felt Carisi's hand drift across his thigh, his fingers tracing the outline of his rigid flesh. The apprehension in his eyes had once more transformed into glittering lust.

"Are you sure?" Barba asked his voice husky and more than a little breathy.

Carisi smiled and nodded. "Yes." His fingers moved more assuredly over Barba's heated swollen flesh, aching to touch him properly.

Barba couldn't withhold the groan that slipped from his lips at the action, those long fingers gently tracing and massaging him through the unforgiving confines of his pants.

Clearly it was true, Sonny Carisi certainly could turn his hands to most things.


End file.
